Sometimes all I can think about

Sometimes it just feels like all I can think about is coming.  It usually starts off with me having a fiery look with a man, or a conversation and I’m just burning up – can’t stop thinking about him.  And I’m just horny every minute, like I can’t get enough.  As I’m bringing myself to orgasm closer and closer, all I can think of is doing this again – of bringing myself to this point again.  And I come, and usually really intensely and then I am sated for a little while, maybe an hour or so – and then it starts all over again.

And then on other more rare occasions, I can go for a week or more without thinking about orgasm.  There is an expression, “the more you have it, the more you want it.”  But if I get busy with work or hobbies and stop orgasming so much, I kind of forget how great it feels.  It’s awful when that happens.  But I only see that in retrospect, once I start orgasming again, I think “why did I stop doing this?”

It seems so easy sometimes to get trapped in a downward cycle of feeling bad and it builds on itself.   I can’t be with someone because I feel terrible about myself, who would want me?  Then I start eating food that makes me feel a temporary high, then a huge crash.  What is there to love about me anyways?  Any guy would be a fool who thought he liked.  I used to think that.  I felt that way, but never said it.  I disrespected the guys who liked me – right off the bat.  It sounds really silly now, but that’s really how I felt back then.

When I feel bombarded with things I have to do, stress at work, or not getting along with my friends, I start feeling numb.  Feeling numb… that’s an oxymoron!  I just try to stop feeling altogether because I don’t want to feel painful things.  But unfortunately, it stops the sexy feelings too.  It all shuts down.  When I don’t feel good about myself, I don’t want to touch myself or have sex with someone.  Well, honestly, sometimes I do and I just to try to forget about how bad I feel … but it’s never really very satisfying sex.  Sure I may orgasm, but it’s not as full and powerful as it usually is.

So I have to start loving myself … paying attention to eating well, exercising, putting lotion on my body slowly after a shower, feeling my body all over and looking at myself in the mirror.  All these things make me feel good, and then I remember how good it feels to feel good, just like how good sex feels even if I forget it sometimes.  And the more I feel good, the more I want it.